Unreasonable

Ten of my most unreasonable worries.


10-The apocalypse will come but not fast. In the end times I will run out of my sleeping pill prescription and not be able to sleep. Out of frustration, a member of my family knocks me over the cranky irritable head and kills me. No heaven for him.

9- I drive around and round and get hopelessly lost in the city near me. Then I will have to ask directions and admit I am lost. I can drive without hesitation in other states or country, but not here. Then I have to stop and ask directions in an foreign accent so as not to look the fool being lost in my own back yard.

8-I will stand up when my lawyer enters the room I am waiting in and take off all my clothes. Again.

7-I am afraid when I marry Gordon Ramsey I will dress him up like a little corgi dog and use him scare the mailman instead of utilizing his God given talent of humiliating the non postal.

6- I fear the next time I am walking by the front of a plate glass windowed restaurant and spot my wind blown reflection in the glass and pause to make an exaggerated horrible expressing while holding up my fingers over my head and wiggling them in a evil witch style, the unseen dinner sitting in the booth on the other side will take more offence and chase after me with a burning torch like I deserve.

5- I will finally locate the one gated community existing that does not allow teenagers within it perimeter. But the gate will have an electronic remote code that my teenager will have to explain to me.

4-I am stalked by a group of Morris dancers. Innocent looking and light on their feet they are never caught. Stress causes me to lose my job and I have to get homeless dude on 7th st to cut my hair for cheep. Then I get lost trying to find him and have to ask direction. "Eh mucho homeless gringo se?"

3-My laptop gets stolen. Stolen by eloquent and evocative writer who answers all my e-mail and solves all my problems caused by inertia plus enables the spell check on my computer. People will love me right up tom the time I buy a new laptop and change my password. Then they will think of me not only as lazy but rude. Wait.

2-The day will come during an emergency that my sharp shooting skills will be required and the A-squad will call me in. Calmly I stand behind the security barriers, handgun in hand, red laser guild square on target. Knowing the second I pull the trigger, lives will change, I close my eyes take a deep breath in and squeeze, unaware my kitten has spotted the laser.

1- Midgets